fresh in the morning

so, it's 8:30am and i'm training myself to get up super early to be ready for class at the end of the month. my cat's looking at me like i'm crazy, and i think she may be partly right! i have my very last appointment with dr. jackrit on friday (which is also my birthday), and i'm very excited! i can't believe it's done! 
well, not exactly DONE in terms of healing, but still. my lip and chin are numb, and the area near my incisions inside my mouth still feels funny...but otherwise i'm doing well. i must have slept wrong on my right side the other day, though, because the right side of my jaw feels like it needs to pop if i move it side to side, even the slightest bit. i'm using listerine and other germ-killing mouthwashes after i brush just to give my immune system a boost, and i'm trying to generally stay healthy. 
it's great to be able to exercise again! i really missed hooping. it doesn't seem like much of a workout, but let me tell you...it IS! i'm going to make a concerted effort to hoop every day for at least 20 minutes. it's good for both my body and my mind. in addition to that, i'm doing a little bit of beginner's yoga in the mornings(afternoons?) when i roll out of bed. the stretches really help to loosen me up and get me going. i'd also like to regain the flexibility i had when i was in ballet and gymnastics and all the sports i played. 
i realized i haven't posted any pictures for a couple of weeks at least, so here's one...don't mind the sleepy face/no makeup/bad lighting:

well...it's off to get some things done today. thanks for reading!

update!

it's been 67 days since my surgery...wow! things are going well. i've been able to eat pretty much everything, but my teeth are hurting so i'm going to stop with the crunchy stuff for a while. i still have a LOT of weird nerve things going on. when i sniff, i feel a cold spot just under my left eye. my nose, lower eyelids, and upper cheeks itch and when i scratch them it feels like a  sunburn...pretty painful. also, my bottom lip and chin are still numb. i can feel the incision lines in my mouth and that takes some getting used to, and sometimes the one at the bottom front can really bother me.
regardless, i'm still so glad i got this done. i'm ready to take on the rest of my schooling, and do my best with improved sleep and breathing! i can open my mouth all the way again, and it's feeling pretty good. it's still tight with side to side jaw movements, and i can chew the best on the left side. i've been trying to make myself use my right side more so it gets enough exercise as well.
pro tip: DO NOT TRY to blow up a balloon. it HURTS your incisions and was a horrible idea!
i hope everyone is doing well :) 

i'm free! 37 days post op

i can't believe it's over already! isn't it amazing how quickly a jaw broken in five places can heal? i feel so much better. i can't wait to see the concrete results once fall quarter starts, and it will be amazing to be at the horse barn at 8am on a full, quality night's sleep for once. i'll be able to wrestle those yearlings a little better :) behavior and training, here comes the more coherent, cognitively-improved and alert (not to mention more cheerful) hilary!


my cheeks are still a bit chubby and the bottom lip is numb so my smile isn't back to full-on charmer quite yet...



i think the arch bands and surgical hooks were by far the worst, most painful and difficult part of the surgery. my molars and canine teeth were wrapped in wire and strapped in with surgical hooks, tearing up my cheeks and lips. by the time i got them out, they were embedded into my gums and the wrapping wires had all but disappeared into my gumline, so getting them removed today was awful, even with laughing gas and 6 shots of novacaine (ouch).

on a brighter note, my parents' birthdays (yes, both on the same day) were yesterday, so we went out to smokey bones. i was able to eat a smoked chicken breast with onion rings and bacon on top, mashed potatoes and mac n cheese. the chicken gave me hardly any trouble and was amaaaaazing. i couldn't eat the bacon, though, because it was pretty thick cut and crispy. to get through an entire meal like that was so wonderful. today, after i got my arch bands taken off, my dad and i went to arby's and i got to eat a beef n cheddar with no problem; i could take bites and everything! never take the ability to eat whatever you want for granted.

i can't wait to get back into the loop with my classes and my friends, as well as hooping and being more active. i might even invest in my own glow hoop as a birthday present to myself! this has been the most boring, uneventful summer i've had in a long, long time. i haven't gone camping, only swam a few times, and haven't gotten to go to a festival...but it's worth it. i conquered this surgery like a boss and significantly improved my quality of life and thus, my future. in addition, i've had the chance to learn a lot more about myself, and to attempt to get back into writing. i think i might just keep this blog, or start a new one, so i can use writing's meditative energy to my benefit.

today's parting thought: i can't wait to eat a steak :)

lazy and late on posting! 35 days post-op and eating anything i can

well, i've had my jaws unbanded for 4 days now, and i've been pretty lazy in regards to posting on here. first thing after my appointment friday, my parents and i went to talita's in grove city and i tried to tackle a giant cheese, rice and bean burrito:

the green portion is about how far i got. the margarita was no problemo, though!

it felt like i was trying to chew with someone else's face using telepathy. the teeth on the right side feel numb still, and it's just so awkward. i felt like my teeth fit together all wrong, and my tongue felt huge and clumsy trying to push food around my mouth. however, i continued the theme of being an overly determined bada$$ and made it through about a quarter of the burrito. the hardest parts were actually getting the food into my mouth (teeny, tiny, slightly flat bites...use a fork!) and keeping it between my teeth so it would get chewed. i also have almost no muscle strength to chew with, so it was kind of like smushing the food until i got tired and swallowed it. gross, right? yes! after all the work that involved and a little kick of my old friend jose cuervo, i went home and passed out for an hour or so. 

with my mouth moving around again, the insides of my cheeks are getting completely shredded by the surgical hooks i still have on my teeth. i get these off friday. the doc wanted to leave them on to make sure everything is stabilized in case they should need to band me back up (which i would be crushed). i feel like things are pretty much fine, relatively anyway.

i still feel kind of swollen when i wake up in the mornings, but that's probably just from sleeping on my sides (i can't help it!). my lower lip is still completely numb, which makes me sound a little silly when i talk and makes it hard to make sure i'm getting food where it needs to go. 

but...

i went to the ohio state fair yesterday with matt, and had a blast! we saw all kinds of animals; i especially loved the huge draft horses. i thought i'd put a few pics up here:

 this was a belgian draft horse that stood over 20 hands high(almost 7 feet at the shoulders)! also, his eyes didn't really glow. although that might've been really, really awesome. 

fun fact: belgian foals are born at about 200 lbs. 

 a big sleepy percheron, standing about 20 hands high also.

percherons all dressed up in their harnesses

 here's my humongous bunny friend. i called him general fluffybun.

 here's matt, eating a bahama mama from schmidt's sausage haus (while i watched...don't worry, then he bought me fried cheese on a stick!)

 this is a striped gar (i think), which apparently lives in ohio rivers as well as in my nightmares.

 a horse with some really wicked tan lines...hah

 india's brahma bull...so soft and sleepy

 the cutest goat i have EVER seen in my life. he was an african pygmy baby standing only about a foot tall.

 yeah, people actually do things like this. huh. 

 we spent about 6 hours or so at the fair, and i ate fair food! i had deep fried cheese on a stick. i couldn't actually take bites; i had to break bits off and eat them by hand, but it was soooooo good, and i didn't have too much trouble with it. 
later that night, we went to steak n shake and i got to eat some fries soaked in cheese sauce. i'm making major progress! :) 
here are a couple pictures of my face so far. it's been almost 35 days since my surgery. i don't look super great in these by the way, i'm kind of tired and have no makeup on but...

so altogether yesterday i got to eat: mac n cheese, green beans, mashed potatoes, rice and cheesecake at hometown buffet; deep fried cheese on  a stick at the fair, and cheesy fries at steak n shake. it might not sound like much, but it's SURE better than this:

how fast can i regain the 10 or so lbs i lost? haha...*starts exercise regimen*

grumpy and itchy.

my lovely, healing nerves woke me up at about 4:30 this morning ITCHING itching itching! i've been up on and off since then, and i am not a happy camper. the itching had seemed to subside for a couple days, but now it's back full force. it's mostly my nose and my cheeks on either side directly next to it. does anyone have any suggestions on how to relieve this, even a tiny bit? it's really messing with my sleep, and i feel like my skin is going to be raw here soon.
anyhow, i guess being up early is alright. i'm going to start studying for the GRE today. i'm aiming to take it in december, so i figure 3 good months or so of studying in between classes and such will do the trick. i've gotta get moving on my career and my future! ack!

the end is near!

i'm so excited! i get my jaws un-banded on friday. finally! when i had them off to brush my teeth last friday, i could only open my mouth about 1 finger's width. so i know i'm going to want to go nuts and eat so much on friday, but i probably won't be able to eat exactly what i want. i'm thinking smoked pulled pork, mac n cheese and greens from the little bbq truck in clintonville. i can eat that with a fork and take my time, and rip up the bun of the sandwich to make the pieces small enough. those are also all pretty soft foods, so the chewing won't be too difficult. i can't wait! 
almost all the numbness in my face is gone now. the front of my chin is still numb, and my cheeks next to my nose are about halfway numb, which is a very bizarre feeling. i find it interesting how my brain isn't sure whether to interpret the returning sensation as tingly ticklishness or pain. 
the itching has toned WAY down, which i am very grateful for. that was awful! i can't believe how well this procedure has gone. i was preparing myself to be out of commission until probably september. i expected to spend the first week post-op crying and in tremendous amounts of pain. but so far, it has been smooth as butter. i couldn't have asked for a more tolerable, gentle recovery. i think after this post, i'll go add my opinion to dr. jackrit's ratings on the search site i found him on. for not having a choice (he was the only maxillofacial surgeon within 100 miles covered by my insurance), i ended up in the care of an incredibly talented, caring doctor and his staff. they really make you feel like they care about you individually. they called me every day for four or five days post-op to make sure everything was okay, even on memorial day when they were closed. too often, patients have procedures done and then they are sent home with little to no contact with the doctor before their next scheduled appointment. dr. jackrit has been there for me when i've had random silly questions, and i've never waited more than 10 mins in their waiting room. very impressed and pleased. 
being a very active, very social and energetic person, i feel like the last few weeks were spent in some sort of boring, restrictive time warp. it feels like i haven't seen my friends but once or twice in months, when it's really only been just over three weeks. so much can happen in that short amount of time, though, and i can't wait to get back in the loop with everyone i love. thanks to all of you who've sent your love, your positive vibes/prayers/whatever well-wishes suit your beliefs, and those of you who've helped to take care of me and cheer me up throughout this. i couldn't ask for better people in my life. everywhere i go, no matter what i'm doing in life, i am always surrounded by people that love me, and i'm very grateful for that fact.
i'll have to take a picture update post tomorrow. i look kind of scrubby today, so...i'll just wait :) but 95% of the swelling is gone, and i only have two bands on each side now, so you can see my pearly whites again! 
four days...come onnnnn, friday!!! the end is near!


p.s.: i've been a huge fan of free click-to-give sites for a few years now. so i'm going to take this opportunity to be a shameless hippie and promote a few of my favorite ones. giving is needed especially now; if you've heard anything about the drought in africa, children are starving, and we CAN help! thanks :)
The Hunger Site - Hunger, Children, Pets, Rainforest, and More!
Care2 - Click to Give, News and Petitions, and Community
FreeKibble!
and, my new favorite where i can both brush up on things for the GRE and help donate rice through the world food programme: FreeRice

thank god for insurance: the bill part 1

WOW. just...wow. we got the bill from the hospital today, and i thought people might like to see exactly how ridiculous healthcare is...


laboratory pathological: 747.75
pharmacy: 1,022.30
all inclusive ancillaries (what?): 3,648.25
devices and implants: 9,994.25
operating room/surgery: 40,196.25
cardiology ekg: 96.00


grand total: $55,704.80


i wonder what the bill from dr. jackrit will look like? i should've majored in anesthesiology or something! jeez.

3 weeks post-op!

it's been 21 days already, and ohhh man my face is driving me CRAZY!!! it itches so much and scratching doesn't help. it actually feels like i'm scratching someone else's nose, which is weird. my entire nose, upper lip area, and under my eyes constantly itch. and not a dull kind of itch either, but the stabbing, insistent kind. i've tried ice, i've tried heat, and i keep trying hydrocortisone cream...but nothing helps. it always seems to be the worst at night when i'm getting ready to go to bed. also, my chin is still tingly and annoying, sometimes spreading up into my lower front teeth. 
i guess i'm lucky, though, that this is honestly the first few days i've been in any super significant discomfort since the first day or so. not only am i really impressed with my doctor and his staff, i'm fascinated by how the body handles trauma like this. i was really worried about the first week post-op. dr. jackrit told me that the first week is awful and i will be very emotional and such, and i was expecting to be crying and regretting my decision to have the surgery. however, i really don't think it was that bad. my entire face was completely numb. imagine if your body didn't do that for you! the numbness combined with the pain meds and a positive attitude (the most important thing is to laugh at yourself, especially when eating and dripping food all over your chin) has made this seem like a pretty smooth process for me. i've only had a few days so far of real pain, and until the itching started this past weekend, i was doing quite fine. 
i still feel kind of crappy when i first wake up. i can't help but sleep on my side, and my jaw joints hurt mildly when i get up. luckily, some cherry flavored liquid tylenol knocks that right out! what i can't wait for now is to see how well i sleep after everything is healed up. i can already tell a difference, but when school starts back up in fall, i'll find out the final results. my equine behavior and training class starts at 8am and is almost 45 minutes away! last quarter, i had a horrible time getting up at 10 or 11am, no matter if i had slept 6 hours or 12. i missed a lot of class and was having trouble concentrating and retaining information. i just want to feel better and be able to concentrate and learn more, and finish my last two quarters of undergrad just as strongly as i began. 
i can't believe i ended up with sleep apnea at 22 years old (and not overweight or any of the other risk factors). a cpap machine is not practical for my age or lifestyle. this is why i decided to have the surgery, and it WILL be worth all the maddening itching and nerve pains. it still blows my mind that it's even possible to perform a surgery that involved literally breaking my face in five places...modern science is fascinating. 
i will toughen up and overcome the urge to fruitlessly claw at my face for the rest of the night. wish me luck!

regaining sensation

i got kind of lazy with posting, but things pretty much stabilized after my last post. however, over the weekend, my teeth began hurting pretty bad. i'm sure it's from being banded together for so long. it feels like i went to the orthodontist, got braces put on, and then had those braces over-tightened all in the same day! i try to keep ice packs and tylenol in my daily routine. 
i still have a lot of nerve pains and sensations, especially in my chin. the unscratchable itches are still on and all around my nose, and my mouth still hurts from the surgical hooks. the only difference now is that i'm getting the feeling back in lots more places, so i can actually feel the discomfort. i have to remind myself that this is part of the healing process and, no matter how unpleasant, is a sign of progress. 
yesterday, i was putting wax on my hooks and reached too far back into the left side of my mouth trying to cover a particularly irritating hook. i felt my fingernail snag on what i'm pretty sure is a stitch, and it HURT! this morning i woke up at 7:30am in so much pain that i couldn't get back to sleep for almost an hour. where my nail snagged felt like fire, especially when i moved my mouth, and my molars and jaw were throbbing. i got up, took some tylenol, and finally went back to sleep. when i woke up, my cheek still hurt really bad, so i went in to have dr. jackrit check it out. i'm glad i did, because he said i had cut my cheek! he gave me some topical numbing gel and told me it would heal on its own, and to cut my fingernails (haha). 
so everything still hurts, but i'm sure i'm going to be fine very soon. i get my bands off next friday! thank god! they will leave the arch wires on for another week after that, and then if all goes well, i will be free! 
i've been getting pretty restless lately. i want to go outside and do things...unfortunately, it's 90-something degrees and almost 100% humidity (typical ohio summer), so i'm stuck inside because it's disgusting out there.  my friends have been coming to hang out and are helping to keep me sane! 
soup and shakes are definitely played out at this point. i still eat them, but i've become much more adventurous with what i will put into a blender. some of my absolute favorites so far are: stouffer's mac n cheese, green beans with cream of mushroom soup (tastes just like green bean casserole), dunkin donuts bacon egg and cheese croissant, and of course, mashed potatoes. i want to try veggie fried rice tonight or tomorrow. it's really amazing what foods you can turn into liquid! 
so, about two weeks post op, here's how my face looks: 

 all smiles, of course...even though it still looks a little silly :)

 its pretty difficult to close my mouth. and i see that my lovely italian nose wasn't altered by the surgery...sigh

i have slight scarring around my lips on the sides, which is what the darker areas are. i bought some bio-oil and hopefully they'll go away, because they don't look very nice. also, my nose is still heading to the right (thanks Tresa for reassuring me that it will straighten out!) but, 90% of the swelling is gone, and i have no more bruising, so i think i look pretty great at this point! 
question: my wonderful boyfriend wants to take me to the state fair. now, i realize there are other things to do there besides eat everything. however, i think it might be close to torture to not be able to have corn on the cob or deep fried oreos or anything...should i go? i do want to see the animals and the other neat things...man i can't wait to eat real food again...
***UPDATE***: vegetable fried rice smoothie = AMAZING!!!

miss itchyface the unscratchable!

feeling a little bit cooped up and slightly stir-crazy, i went out to my friend josh's birthday party on saturday. what a great idea! i missed all my friends, and they were all excited to see me (i think, lol) and i had a great time. everyone says i look great, and i was really cheered up after i left. also, before that, i got to meet my friends lynsey and steve's new baby, camden. talk about a teeny tiny little person!! oh man. 7 pounds of adorable. and i got spit up and farted on...i feel like part of the family. 
my face. itches. SO BAD. it's driving me crazy. i know it's all the nerves coming back to life and whatnot, but seriously! i wish it wasn't constant! i've been using hydrocortisone cream, but since it's nerve-related and not skin-related, it doesn't help at all. so i just have this itchy, slightly numb face that gets no relief when i scratch it. gahh. all i can do, i guess, is keep ice packs or hot washcloths and some itch cream all over my face. 
the swelling keeps kind of coming and going. it's almost all gone, but seems to kick up a little bit when i first wake up. this is most likely because i get more horizontal every night i sleep now. and let me tell you, my sleeping has improved 300%. i feel rested for the first time in my life! it's crazy! i can't believe i've been missing out on this. i can't wait until everything is over so i can see the final results. also, i can't wait to kick butt in my last two quarters of college with my new sleeping abilities. i'll actually be able to get up on time and make it to class and pay better attention. this is seriously the best decision i've ever made in my entire life.
so my new favorite foods are V8 soups. the tomato herb, garden broccoli, and butternut squash varieties are delicious! all i have to do it run them through the blender to smooth out the veggie chunks, and then i add some butter and whole milk to boost the calorie content. they are very very tasty, and under the promotions section of V8's website, they offer $1 off coupons! awww yeah. also, my momma makes me these smoothies from heaven...they have cottage cheese, peanut butter, protein powder, bananas, sweetened condensed milk, and whatever else in it. super tasty.
i feel pretty much back to normal now. can they unband my jaw? hah. i guess my bones still have to heal, but i really feel like nothing even happened. i really lucked out with my recovery. i want to say thank you again to all my wonderful friends and family who've shown so much love and support and sent so many positive vibes my way through this. i know it helped! 
the boyfriend and i are going to see horrible bosses tonight. i'll have to become immune to the smell of movie theater popcorn. this is going to be rough! i heard the movie is excellent though, so i'm pretty excited...even to just get out of the house. i'll leave a little review of it in my next post ;)
wishing everyone the best...i'm off to eat some V8 broccoli soup now!

lotsa x-rays: before and after

i went to my appointment today, and all is well! dr. jackrit took my bands off so i could brush my teeth, which was amazing, and then put them back on minus a couple. he said my mouth looked fine, just to keep using the mouthrinse and to keep taking my antibiotics. that was a definite relief. they were so surprised that i hadn't had a "breakdown day". they said i'm the only girl they've ever had who didn't cry for a week! must be because i'm so tough :)

i've lost 9 pounds since my surgery. i weighed in at 133 at the hospital, and i weighed in at 124 today. i don't know how i can possibly eat any more than i am already without making myself sick, so i guess i'm just going to keep losing a bunch of weight until i can eat real food again. i should look like an olsen twin by the time that happens!

since my doctor's awesome, i got to take pics of my before and after x-rays, and i wanted to post them here.

 before: my airway from the top of my skull looking down

after: the anesthesiologist said i must've been miserable for years...and i have been! well, mostly just sleepy.

 before: my airway from the side. the skinniest part is where the base of my tongue was constricting it, and when i slept everything relaxed and blocked it completely.

after: my airway's almost tripled in size, and i don't snore anymore! :D

 all the metal in my face. facial plates, screws, and arch bars (those'll go, thank god)

 my lil' face beforehand.

terminator face afterwards. sweet, huh?

awwww yeeeeeeah.

as my friend alan said, it should be customary with this kind of surgery to at least install a laser eye while they're at it. that would just be too awesome.

8 days post-op

well, i made it through the dreaded first week. my doctor and his assistants told me that the first week is bad physically and emotionally, and many patients regret having the surgery done during this time. i must've either been super lucky or completely missed something. in all honesty, i haven't ever sat here and felt like both my jaws and my chin were broken. even when i woke up in the hospital, i remember thinking, "did they do the surgery?" (i was on a lot of pain meds, but still) i really feel like this first week was almost a breeze. 


***WARNING: gross stuff about my mouth coming up ***


the worst part of this whole thing has been the surgical hooks and arch wires, seriously. i had braces when i was younger, and i remember how much i hated those, and this is a similar situation. i'll take broken bones over dental appliances any day. these things are tearing up the inside of my mouth so bad. that's really the biggest problem i've had so far. today i bought a baby toothbrush to try brushing my teeth, and i rinsed and brushed, which didn't hurt and definitely felt a LOT better afterwards. 
this whole time, i've noticed a subtle but super gross smell on my breath (sorry, i'm being totally honest here). i know not brushing my teeth will do that, but this is different. so i brushed today, and as soon as i hit the lower left gumline, that smell kicked up. i looked in and noticed a lot of dead tissue getting brushed away (gag), and that the hooks look like they're becoming embedded in my gumline. wtf is that smell? oh god! is it gangrene? is my face going to rot off?? i'm very grossed out and slightly freaked out at this moment. luckily, i have an appointment with the doc tomorrow. the bands i'm speaking of aren't even holding bands, so maybe he could...i don't know, cut them off or something. they hurt super bad and look like they're making my mouth infected or something, and i am not a happy camper. 
honestly, the dental appliances are the only real pain i'm dealing with (and the incessantly chapped lips). my mouth is torn up, and the hooks feel like they're becoming a part of my face. also, i noticed ALL the stitches today. all along where my lip meets my jaw on the top and bottom has a black line of stitches on it. seeing this gave me a partial visual of exactly how the surgery was done...and even though i've got a stomach of steel, it's pretty gnarly.
*** END OF GROSSNESS ***
i just realized i haven't said anything about my breathing results from this surgery. if you saw my pre-op x-ray, you know that my airway was super tiny and was very easily blocked by my tongue and my jaw in general. i used to snore pretty bad...just ask my roomies. now, i don't snore at all (!), and even with my chin on my chest, my airway is completely clear. i can't wait to get my follow up sleep study done...should be interesting.
i haven't been sleeping super well due to general discomfort, but when i wake up after about 7-9 hours of sleep, i feel well-rested and clear headed. i used to literally be able to sleep anywhere from 4 to 12 hours and feel like crap no matter what. i missed a lot of class because of it, and had a seriously hard time paying attention, concentrating, and staying awake. 
sometimes, even while awake and walking around, i could feel the tissue in my throat blocking my airway. if i was walking really fast to class or something, every once in a while it would get in the way and make an almost-snoring sound. needless to say, that was unacceptable and super embarrassing and very disconcerting. no more, i say!! 
numbness: i still can't feel my lower lip, which is alright, but it seriously impedes my ability to talk/eat/make smoochie faces. the very front of my nose is numb, my lower eyelids and the tops of cheeks are still kind of numb, and the front of my chin. the feeling is coming back in my chin though, and the nerve activity is driving me crazy!! it's not exactly painful, but it's certainly not comfortable. i keep getting little fluttery feelings in my face and across the roof of my mouth, too.
so, here's my face on day 8:

nice mugshot, huh? my favorite thing is the shiny chin and smudgy bruises.

look at that chin. just look at it. okay, you can stop looking now.

aaagh! yes, that's a smile, or something close to it. those white rubber bands are currently the bane of my existence.

so the swelling's almost gone, except for up next to my nose and a little on my lower jawline still. can you see how my nose goes off to the right? (my right, not yours) i really hope that's because of the swelling and not because of the surgery itself. it's not super noticeable, but still. 

looks like the bruising's going away too. it just looks dirty now, like i'm 4 or 5 and just ate a bunch of chocolate pudding while already on a sugar high without my mom around!

well, i'll update after my doctor appointment tomorrow. i'm going to ask him for copies of the post-op x-rays so i can put them up here, because they're pretty drastic. have a good night everyone!

cookout jealousy and a hot dog smoothie.

i've been very positive up to this point, i really have. and i still am but let me tell you...seeing/smelling/watching my family eat all the food at our 4th of july cookout today was rough. i'm a total sucker for hot dogs on the grill (even though i'm veg most of the time), and the stouffer's brand mac n cheese is my favorite. so, after having a hearty breakfast of chocolate ensure with malted milk, i tried not to be super jealous of everyone chowing down around me. unfortunately, i didn't sleep very well last night and my stitches are starting to bug me, so i wasn't the most cheerful little camper today. my wonderful mother ran some mac n cheese through the blender, thinned down with some milk, and i drank that down with no problem. it was delicious! it's just so weird to NOT chew your food...it's definitely something to get used to. but that was super satisfying and cheered me up for quite a bit. 
my boyfriend came over today and brought me the most BEAUTIFUL roses! :) 

i'm really glad he still thinks this face is cute! 

in terms of how my face looks and feels, i'm still surprised and very happy with how good i feel compared to how i thought i would. there isn't a whole lot of aching or tooth pain right now, but MAN my stitches are hurting me. the inside of my mouth is so torn up. the surgical hooks look like they're becoming embedded in my gumline, and i can consciously feel my stitches almost all the time. especially at the very very back...it almost feels like there's skin being pinched between my jaws back there, or like i'm getting a novacaine injection for my wisdom teeth or something. it's a very sharp but achy pain and it spreads all the way up to my ears and is really bugging me. that's why i had such a hard time sleeping last night! i'm trying to keep up on the yucky mouthrinse, which burns really bad, applying some orajel, and keeping ice packs on. that helps a lot.

aesthetics update: my FACE! i'm so happy! the bruising is close to gone, and the swelling is limited to underneath my lip line, so it looks a lot better. and I HAVE A CHIN! i can't tell you how excited i am about that.

just for reference, here's the before profile:

granted, my hair was wet and i was really tired in that picture too...but can you imagine how much i love having a chin? and having it be done for medically necessary reasons? i used to try to slide my lower jaw forward all the time to hide that retrognathic jaw, or to "suck in" my lower chin kind of, just so i wouldn't look like that all the time. i looked so dopey and awkward before. i can't wait to see the final result when all the swelling is gone.

numbness: the feeling's back everywhere except the front of my chin, my lower lip, bottom of my nose, and, strangely, my lower eyelids. i'm glad my nerve didn't suffer any damage during the surgery, 'cause i'm getting pretty tired of dribbling food down my face already!

so, about the hot dog smoothie.

i may have mentioned that i love hot dogs on the grill. well, about 3 hours after my mac n cheese puree, i couldn't stand it anymore.

i put a cut-up hot dog, 3/4 of an onion roll, some ketchup, pickle juice, into a blender. i thinned it with beef broth and hit Start. 

exactly what you thought it'd look like.

after obtaining a very Meatwad-esque bowl of slurry, i pulled it up into the syringe and gave it a try. 

you can tell which pics were taken with my ipod and which were taken with my dad's swanky Nikon D5000...

overall rating: taste? just like a hot dog with the classic condiments. smell? just like a delicious, hot-off-the-grill hot dog. everything else? well, some things...just weren't meant to be. i thought i had pureed the living heck out of this thing, and even afterwards, the texture just wasn't going to work. all the food i eat has to go through my banded-shut teeth and this just never got smooth enough, i guess. after about two sips a lot of little bits got stuck in my bands and i got grossed out and had to stop. 

so, now i'm sitting here eating cream of mushroom soup again. good ol' campbells. gotta love it. and you know who else i gotta love? my parents. absolutely. both of them. not to elevate one, but my mom has been pretty much my slave since last thursday. she makes my food (even when i try to do it myself), makes sure i get my meds at the right times, helps me clean up, etc. she's a total angel. so my dad and i were messing with his camera and these spinny-lights my aunt got us for the 4th, and i made this for her:

i do i do i do, and i bet you would too.

we're veering portside, capt'n!

oh, my nautical lingo! today i woke up feeling like absolute CRAP. my face was all hot and stinging, mushy, my nose was all clogged (which freaks me out because i can't breathe through my mouth hardly at all), and my whole head feels like somebody spent all night decking me upside it with a car axle. 
the right side of my face is still slightly more swollen on the outside than the left. on the inside, though, the right side of the roof of my mouth feels infinitely bigger and angier than the left. 

also, you can definitely see that my nose is skewed off to one side because of the swelling. i'm sure it's not actually that bad, but it hurts when i swallow. have you ever accidentally stabbed the roof of your mouth with a tortilla chip and had it swell up and hurt really bad? that's about how it feels, plus the pressure of the bands on all my teeth. i can literally feel my sinus cavity complaining. 
my doctor called yesterday to check on me so i know this isn't a big deal, but what's REALLY freaking me out is the weird "click" sound i get under my right eye socket when i tilt my head to the left. it's like i can feel the whole bottom of my face shifting, and there's a teeny pop sound/feeling where i am pretty sure the surgical screws are. so i know my face won't fall off or anything, but i hope it's not healing crookedly. and i hope the popping stops. it's not painful or anything, just very disturbing. it feels like pressure being released when my head shifts. ugggh. *shudder*
so yeah, today pretty much has sucked so far. i still can't talk, my lips are super chapped and floppy, and my nostrils hurt from being stretched and wiped and messed around with. this is what i've decided i sound like:

aahahaha! wild thornberrys! but yeah, that's pretty much how i feel like i sound half the time. this video also led me to all the lady gaga, britney, kesha, and backstreet boys remixes featuring nigel...haha...oh man, i can't stop. blaargagblagragagagrrgalblah!
foods i miss today: pulled pork sandwiches with dill pickles, mac n' cheese, and collard greens.
foods i will eat and try to pretend: baby food mac n'cheese blended with whole milk, pureed green beans, chicken broth with mashed potatoes, and chocolate ensure. 

delishmush.

i made it up to about 1400 calories yesterday, so i'm still over 1000 short. i need to learn to chug lard at this point. guhhhh.  well, thanks for reading, readers, and i'm going to go finish off my pain meds and slurp mush through a syringe! ahoy!


*** p.s.: portside=to the left, starboard=to the right ***

good thing i learned to beer bong in college.

day two with my jaw banded shut. one may wonder: hilary, how do you eat? because we know you LOVE to eat. a lot. 
well kids, this is how i eat. and drink. and take medications:

sexy, no?

good thing i learned how to beer bong like a boss in college! this may be the most frustrating thing so far. because i do, in fact, love to eat pretty much everything and a lot of it. now i'm down to eating liquids and super pureed, watered-down mushiness. it's also really time consuming. it takes me about a half hour to forty minutes to drink an 8-oz chocolate Ensure, and about 45 mins to drink the same amount of cream of mushroom soup (pureed the mushrooms, add chicken broth and whole milk). 

on a positive note, i've found some really interesting baby food flavors lately. the peach cobbler smoothie, cut down with some whole milk, is pretty much delicious! tomorrow i'm going to try the mac n' cheese. the main problem is keeping my intake somewhere close to 2500 calories a day. that's next to impossible. 

one really awesome thing is that i'm not dealing with very much numbness. the doc warned me that during the surgery, the big nerve that runs along your lower jaw can get damaged or torn and people can end up with permanent numbness in the lips, face or chin. so i've been pretty numb for a couple of days but i'm starting to get all the feeling back. it was numb from the bottom of my eye sockets to my chin, and is coming back in random patches. that's what all the itching was from! today, i can feel my nose, the very front of my chin (my new chin eee!), and about 85% of my cheeks. i keep getting these weird little shooting, fluttering *ping* feelings across my chin and face. they don't hurt, so they're kind of fun...i just hope they don't keep me up all night.

this morning, my lovely relatives Chris, Mick, Cara, Megan, and their little gang of animals sent me some absolutely beautiful flowers that came with a little white bear:

then, my little brother (he's 20 and i was honestly surprised he even thought about this) brought me these:

he's a good lil bro. i'm a pretty big fan.

as you can see from that picture, i'm still pretty swollen, still got some gnarly bruises, and my lips still hurt from being stretched during the surgery (curb your funny jokes, please), but otherwise i'm still considering myself lucky in terms of the lack of complications and the tolerable pain levels i'm dealing with. thanks again to all my wonderful friends and family who keep sending me kind words and wishes. i love you all and can't wait to be back with you guys again!

i look like an english bulldog.

i went to dr. jackrit's today and he took the tape bandages off of my face. thank god, because those things were itchy and driving me crazy!!! then he banded my jaws shut. wow. what a restricting procedure. i can't talk at all now, and i kind of drool now. awesome, right?
my poor mom is trying to help me eat with syringes. she blended up cream of mushroom soup, chicken broth and whole milk and tried to help me get it down. first thing i did was spill it down the front of me. now, when i swallow, i can feel the pull on my teeth and it HURTS! also, for some reason, the right side of the roof of my mouth gets a really sharp pain in it when i swallow food or drinks (they're both drinks at this point i guess). i only got a couple of tablespoons down and i'll have to try again later. does anyone have any tips on how to stop the pulling feeling?
so about looking like a bulldog. these pictures are gross. but fortunately, i'm not even half as bruised as all the other people's pictures i've seen, and my doctor was amazed that i'm up and about and so with it. but here you go, day three:

see the resemblance?

those are my bands. i have stitches in the very front of my mouth so that's some braces wax i slapped on there to keep them from catching on the surgical hooks.

after dr. jackrit took my bandages off, all the swelling dropped down and hid my chin again :( i know it'll be back though, i just know it! *ice packs*

i really just can't wait for this four weeks of bands to be over. i hope i get used to eating like this, because i really don't have 10-15 pounds to lose. wish me luck! 

2 days post-op: morning update

wooow. i could NOT sleep last night. the pain in my jaw is still tolerable, but for some bizarre reason the outside of my nose ITCHES LIKE CRAZY!!! i feel like i've gone through half a tube of hydrocortisone cream. i woke up really frequently to try to scratch it, but my face is mostly numb from my eye sockets down. i wonder how something so numb can itch so bad? it means i can't get any relief from scratching it, that's for sure. also last night, my face got really red and hot with the swelling and the only thing that helped was my ice pack. i have a feeling i'm going to need another one.
my face is swelling still. i feel like the insides of my cheeks are fusing to my surgical hooks. i go in to see dr. jackrit at 2pm, and he'll wire my jaw shut. i don't know if i'm looking forward to this or not. i can't close my mouth by myself at this point, and with all the nosebleeds i hope i can breathe. 
i'm trying REALLY hard to stay positive, because i know i have a long road ahead of me, and with everything good, it will probably get worse before it gets better. i just have to keep the end result in sight and not let myself sink too far into bummer city. i think as soon as the massive, hideous swelling in my lips goes down, i'll feel better. 
things i've already learned:
1. get used to dumping your drinks all over yourself. 
2. get used to yicky breath. 
3. before you pull at a piece of dead skin on your lip, be absolutely sure it's not a stitch.
4. ice packs are your friends. 
5. liquid medicine tastes awful, and i wish i had more diloted instead of this wussy loritab crap.
thanks for reading, and i'll update again this evening when i have the wires in. much love!